We've been traveling for a few days now. The path to the Ebon Lake has been winding, but we've managed to avoid most of the larger predators that lurk in the Underdark.

In light of recent developments, Danis was permitted to come. Rooster, Bex, and he have been catching up. There was so much I didn't know... so much I never thought to ask. Bex's time in Avernus. Her own experiences with the warlord Mad Maggie. Valuable information.

Shadowheart has been hovering around me. It's been little things. Sitting a little closer than usual. Glancing at me more often.

Tonight is particularly quiet. We've set up camp in a crystal field. Torchstalk seems to be common in this area. I've tried to keep Doni mindful of the dangers. Thank the gods for Sazza, or I wouldn't have known.

"Pip, could you take this note to Apikusis?"

She hangs from the bat box, wings tucked, ears swiveling.

"Pip?"

She finally peeks out from behind her wings. She seems sickly.

"By the Nine, are you okay?"

"...Master Halsin is dead."

I straighten. "Since when?"

She blinks a few times and hides her face again.

The other two are huddled nearby. "Tic, Flit, would either one of you be willing to go?"

Flit stretches his wings. "If it's gotta be done. But I would like extra apple slices when I get back."

"Nothing but the freshest." I gently tie the note to his waist, and he drops, fluttering off. I turn to Tic. "If either of you need anything, please let me know." Tic gives a soft nod before crawling over to Pip and cuddling next to her.

"Vash." Shadowheart stands behind me, clutching her hands.

"You're speaking to me again. That's a comfort."

"I wanted to talk to you about something I've been noticing."

I turn to fully face her.

"It's Shar. I've been seeing signs of her along the path. I suspect she may have a presence down here."

"What signs?"

"We've passed a few ruins that were distinctly sharran. The architecture, the stonework, even some symbols that I know belong to her, but wouldn't be recognizable unless you were strongly familiar with her teachings."

"What do you make of it?"

"I'm not sure. But I would like to keep an eye out for anything else, if you'd be willing to help."

"Of course, though I find it interesting that you come to me now that you need something."

"I know. I should have approached you sooner. I recognize my behavior at the tiefling party was unacceptable. I spoke to Karlach about it, and well... I'd like to apologize."

"I think it's best that you don't drink for a while."

"Yes, I've been considering that."

"You've had enough time to consider it. I'll not have you causing issues in camp again."

"What are you saying?"

"I'll be confiscating what alcohol remains in your possession until you can prove you can conduct yourself with a little more civility."

"What? You can't just-"

I shift and she goes still.

Her face grows tight. "Vash... Where did the bell come from?"

"Alfira."

Her breath hitches.

I pull the bell out, looking at it. "What's done is done. Luckily there have been no further incidents."

"On what grounds did you kill her?"

"Mine." I tuck the bell away.

She takes a step back and clutches her fist over her chest.

"Before you go, I have something for you." I pull out the bottle of blue liquid. "I received this as a gift from a friend. She claims it can help with memory loss. I haven't tried it yet. I was hoping you would try it with me."

"N-no, my memories are lost for a reason. Shar has a plan for me, and I have faith that her path is true."

"Perhaps this is fated."

"...perhaps." Her eyes are fixed on the bottle. "Perhaps I can just stay with you while you take it?"

"Shadowheart."

She stops.

The prism pulses in my pocket. "She is an ally, Vash. Don't force her."

I sigh. "Insubordination is not a virtue I intend to foster in this camp."

"She is not your subordinate. She is your ally."

"Isn't she? First you refuse to extend your protection to Minthara, and now you refuse to recognize my authority?" I pull the prism from my pocket and stare at it. "What good are you?" I mutter.

Shadowheart grabs her braid and runs it through her fingers. "Vash, I'm not trying to be difficult."

"We need to understand what Shar has done to you before we enter the Shadow-cursed lands." I tuck the prism away and press the bottle into her hand. "Drink half. I'll not say it again."

She looks at the bottle and her face falls. She opens it, holding it to her lips. She hesitates, then closes her eyes and drinks half. She hands it back. A blink of dark light bursts through the back of her hand. "Agh!" She grabs her wrist and winces.

I down the rest and let the vial fall. "Come." I take her hand. "Let's get somewhere comfortable."

We walk down the path as the edges of my vision begin to ripple. We finally find a soft patch of earth between two crystals. We lie next to each other. I can hear her breathing. I pull her hand to my chest and watch the ceiling of the Underdark, scattered with bioluminescence. The world begins to fade away.

Don't tell me that it hurts, of course it does. I'm just trying to protect you. I love you. Don't you ever forget that.

"Hey. Varrick, what's wrong? I've been looking all over for you."

My body is shuddering as tears roll down my cheeks. "Asha." I croak.

She kneels next to me and rubs my back. "Talk to me. What's going on?"

"Someday I'm going to die."

She presses her lips thin. "That's not something you need to worry about for a very long time. You're only six. You have a long time to go."

"Yes. I know. But..." I wipe my eyes with my sleeve. "It'll still happen."

Asha looks around at my dark room. "I need an adult," she mutters. "Come on. Let's go." She stands and holds out a hand.

I take it and follow her downstairs. "Tell Mom and Dad what you told me."

I press my hand into my face, trying to hide my eyes. "One day... I'm going to die."

I hear Mom's voice. "Varrick, look at me."

I blink a few times and drop my hand. She's crouched in front of me. "That's not for a long time. You don't need to worry about something as bleak as that. Just think of what might happen after. We'll end up in Celestia and be together forever."

My heart wrenches. Celestia doesn't feel real. I wonder what would happen if they died right now. Would they see the light? Would there be anything at all?

Dad walks over, drying his hands on a cloth. "Dinner is almost ready. Clean yourself up, and get your brother for us."

I nod quietly and walk outside. There is a faucet near the house. I pump water into my hands and cool my face before looking for Neels.

He's sitting in a tree, tail hanging down, trying to pry a walnut open with a knife.

I gently tug his tail. "Neels. Dinner is almost ready."

He staggers on the branch. "Fuck! Varrick! Don't do that!"

"I'm... I'm sorry. I didn't mean to..."

"I have a fucking knife in my hand. What do you think would have happened if I fell?"

"I-"

"I could have died! Think before you act!"

"Okay." I lower my gaze as he stares down at me. I can feel it.

"You're smarter than this, even if you're just a human. I'm being hard on you because you know better!"

My shoulders go stiff and I nod quietly. I want to leave but I don't know if I can yet. If I walk away too soon, he'll get angrier. I wait a moment more before slowly stepping back. He doesn't stop me. I turn and run back to the house.

Sleep doesn't come easy. When I wake, there is something sticky on my hands. My heart is racing. My breath is heavy. There are cuts on my arms. Is this my blood? There is something behind my hands. I try to focus, and I can't understand what I'm seeing.

Blue skin. Dark curly hair. Motionless. "Asha?" I whisper.

She's lying on her belly. She isn't moving. Her back is gouged. Blood is pooling. The knife lies at my feet.

My knees give and I land beside her, striking my head. "The fuck is wrong with me...?!" I start slapping my head with both hands. "The fuck is wrong with me!" I heave.

A slice of light cuts through the dark. The door to my bedroom opens and Neels steps through.

"What did you do?!" He kneels next to her, searching her body. "We need to clean this up before Mom and Dad see." He looks around. "Stay here." He leaves me behind in the dark room. I am cold. Everything hurts.

He returns with a fishnet and some rope. He hands them to me and grabs Asha's ankles. "Bring the knife."

He drags her to the river and lays her out. "You need to break her up. Put her in the fishnet, and throw her in the river."

"I don't want to. Asha. She... She." I drop everything and collapse over her, clutching her shirt. "Asha." A heavy sob escapes me.

Neels picks me up by the collar and slaps me hard across the face. He's trembling, too. "Shut up! Get ahold of yourself and get to work!" He shoves me down. "Pick up the knife."

My chin quivers as I pick it up. I take her arm and begin to carefully cut. Neels slaps me across the back of my head. "Hurry up!"

Fine. I'll do it quickly. Chopping. Hacking. Breaking. I tear her apart. By the time I'm done, the blood isn't just on my hands, it's in my hair, on my clothes, in my eyes and teeth. The tears never stop falling even though the sobbing stopped long ago.

I tie the pieces together with the fishnet and rope.

"Good, now help me put her in the water."

Gripping the rope tightly, I help him drag her out. I pull until my feet no longer touch the bottom. I begin to flounder. The bundle tugs at me as it's carried by the current. It begins to pull me under.

"H-HELP!!!"

Neels grabs me and pulls me to shore.

I gulp at the air and crawl to safety, coughing with a few shuddered sobs.

I climb to my feet and Neels wraps his arms around me. Neither of us speak, but we stand for a long time before he leads me back to my room. "Get changed." I get into some dry clothes. He fetches a potato sack, hiding the clothes inside and tucking them under my bed. "Remind me about those tomorrow. I'll burn them."

"Okay." I wipe my nose and lie down in bed.

"She disappeared in the night. We didn't see her leave. We don't know anything." His voice is still trembling.

"Okay..."

He turns to leave.

"Neels."

He glances back.

"Why are you helping me?"

"Because this isn't you. We need to figure out what's going on, because you've been acting weird for a while."

Another tear falls. "Asha..."

He gets to his knees and takes my hand. A tear finally streams down his cheek and he lays his head in my lap.

We cry.

I blink. I'm ten years old.

Hand. Knife. Bodies. Mom and Dad. The knife is still clutched tightly in my fist.

There is a breath behind me. "Varrick..." Neels braces a hand against the doorframe. I'm close to shoulder height to him.

"You fucking bastard." He's shaking again. "I should have known nothing could save you." He steps toward me.

I've killed Asha, Mom, and Dad in a dream haze. But this time, I choose.

"Right." I advance on him, jaw tight. "You should have known."

He stops. "What the hell?"

I almost close the distance.

He shifts back. "You're a fucking lunatic!" He bolts and I chase after him.

"Coward!" I cry.

He vanishes into the forest.

I stand in a meadow. The night air brushes past me. Fireflies dapple the air and frog songs ring from the riverbank. I drop the knife.

"Little lord, I am so proud of you."

The grass parts as a goblin in a top hat approaches me.

"Sceleritas Fel. I've been permitted to finally retrieve you. You're ready to meet your father."

"My... father? But my dad is..." I glance back at the house. "My mom and dad..."

"Are dead, by your hand. You've done very well."

"...I have?"

He leads me out of the meadow and takes me somewhere dark and cold. The air smells like iron, flesh, and gall.

Small hands grasped at mine. Laughter. My heart sang. I had this one thing. This precious thing. But only for a moment. Before they took her away.

Blue speckles dapple my vision as the world fades back into view. I lie still and my hand tightens around Shadowheart's.

She is still faded and muttering.

I sit up and run a hand across my face. My limbs are numb. I stand and walk over to a crevasse overlooking the camp. I take a seat on a toppled crystal.

I watch for a long time.

Bex and Rooster are playing with Doni. Karlach is showing Sazza a few fighting stances. Danis sits with Astarion by the fire.

Soft footsteps approach me from behind.

"What did you see?" I ask.

I hear her mail shifting where she stands.

"A little mouse." There is a breath before she continues. "I thought... I thought it could be my friend. But Mother Superior had me dispatch it in front of the cloister."

We hold the silence for a moment.

"It was the right thing to do," she says.

"...I'm sorry, Shadowheart."

Her mail rings as she walks away.

I remain. My focus is gone. I welcome the many voices in my mind. I feel Shadowheart's hardened resolve. Karlach's concern. Astarion's numbness.

It does not erase what I now know. It makes it manageable.

"M-Mr. Neel?"

I glance back and see Doni approaching. "Please, Doni." My voice grows soft. "I don't want to be called Mr. Neel anymore."

He sits next to me. "Then what do you want to be called?"

My name is Varrick, but I don't know who Varrick is. I have nothing else to give him. "I don't know."

Doni chews on his thumb, looking toward the camp. "Mmm..."

I look down at him. He seems so small. I was no older than he is now when I killed my parents. To have something like that put on a child...

He rocks himself gently. "May I call you father? It's just that it will be easier. Then it won’t feel like I'm lying so much. I'll remember better. Things'll be easier. If that's okay. Please, Ser."

He throws his arms over his head and looks down.

...I have no words for this feeling inside of me. Fear. Pain. Relief. Joy. Cobbled together into something overwhelming.

I reach down, pulling him into a hug. He clings to me.

"It's not a lie, Doni."

He buries his face in my shoulder.

We sit for a while, then I smile and grip him tightly.

He goes limp in my arms and groans. "Mr. Neel, you're crushing meeeeeee."

I chuckle and swing him from side to side. "It's Father."

"Auuughhhh!" He flops around and begins to laugh.

I pull back and wipe the tears from my cheeks.

He does the same and lowers his gaze.

"Thank you, Father."